Me? Going Back to School?

 I have been keeping busy with all kinds of different activities but my main focus has been to gradually progress toward getting back to work. 

I was accepted into a re-employment program a year and a half ago and we have been trying to find out what would be a good job for me now. I did aptitude testing, I took a computer course through them and I have gone with my job coach to interview a variety of people about what their jobs are really like. 

The re-employment program is currently trying to find somewhere for me to volunteer in order to get some real life experience and investigate what might be a good field for me. They want me to volunteer or job shadow for about 12 to 15 hours a week for a minimum of a month in order to prove that I could eventually work part-time. It is possible that if I meet these requirements I might qualify for some government education subsidies.

Last October my case manager and I met with a Disability Counselor at our local community college. We talked about the option of my entering a program at the college and we had a good discussion about what kind of supports I could expect from the college. I also told her the program that was most interesting to me is a certificate program called Recreational Facilitator for Older Adults and we discussed how employable I might be after completing the program.

They have made recent changes and that Rec Facilitator program is no longer being offered on a part time basis so the only way I can get the certificate will be by going to college full time for 9 months starting next September.  It turned out that a couple of the classes I would need to take were offered in other part time programs and the counselor suggested that I take one course and see how it goes. If I do go on next year it would be transferred over and it would make next year a little bit lighter. Everything looks very promising, but I must admit that the thought of being a full time student is very daunting to me.

I am currently taking a course called Interpersonal Communication. The class is from 6:00 to 10:00  one evening a week for 10 weeks. I have made it through 6 evenings, one mid term exam and two assignments.

I am not sure where this will lead, but so far, so good!

New Year's Resolutions?

It is New Year's Eve and, according to the assortment of blogs that I follow, bloggers reflect on the joys and sorrows of the past year, or make resolutions for the upcoming year that will improve their future lives.

I actually have switched my thinking since I got sick. Sure I still have my big and little goals set up but I have a different sense of what is realistic now. I still want to lose weight and get my finances in order but I see it with a sense of moderation.  I used to be the kind of teenager who decided to learn a piano piece and worked very hard for several days and decided it was not perfect so what is the point in continuing working so hard. I would give up. I tended to not hand in homework because I wasn't finished but the truth is there would always be more to fix and I didn't grasp the concept of good enough. I think my new big life lesson is that where I am is great and doing "better" is wonderful. Who cares if it is perfect? What I do care about now is that I keep on moving, learning, and trying new things.

I embrace the concept of a "bucket list" but my list continually evolves with time, and I do not really expect to do everything that I might write on my list.

 In the first months post brain injury, while I was mainly restricted to lying in my bed, my daughter bought a movie to watch on my new laptop computer. The Bucket List with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman is the story of two men with very different life experiences who meet in a shared hospital room and wind up creating a shared list of things to do before they die. They proceed to carry out items from the list together. Their list included great activities like skydiving, great travels like going to the Taj Mahal, and great ambitions like "help a complete stranger for a common good".

My resolutions for 2013 - 

Be kind, find joy and be open to new adventures.

The trailer for the movie "The Bucket List".






Here is a really intereting "TED talk"  on the topic.

Puppy!

The most exciting thing happening around here is that my daughter got a puppy.

This puppy is an adorable ball of energy and my own little tripping hazard. We had two dogs when the kids were little but my two younger daughters, who are still living at home, came after the puppies so they did not know what life with puppies is like.

Emily has been wanting a dog for a long time, but with my heath issues the idea of a new pet went right out the window.  Last year we got a new higher fence around our backyard so that meant one of my requirements of puppy ownership was met. I really thought that my old wood floors should be redone and sealed against puppy accidents but that never happened.

Emily has been researching dogs to find the right one for our family.

• I have allergies to the oil on dogs coats so I need to have a dog that is more the fluffy type.
• we needed a dog that will be good with the grand-kids who are over frequently.
• we needed a dog that will keep Emily company on long walks and fun activities.
• we need a dog to be a family pet and not just a one person dog.
• Emily thinks she wants to show the dog and perhaps take part in things like agility trials.

She found a breeder nearby who had pure-bred Samoyed puppies from champion stock parents.
We visited the breeders at their home a couple of times and were thrilled with the mommy dog and her adorable 5 little balls of fluff.

Two weeks ago the breeder delivered an eight week old little boy puppy to our house.  Life changed instantly! He is very smart and cute and he has won our hearts.

Emily named the dog Jasper and she is working on teaching him the basics like sit and to go outside to pee. He needs a LOT of walking as he is really high energy.

I complained to my girl friend that I can't manage to take a turn walking him because the sidewalks are slippery and the dog pulls on his leash, tugs, bounds and runs under legs. My family is working on getting him to walk nice on a leash but it is going to take a while before he will be safe for me to walk with.  My sweet friend reassured me that I am getting plenty of exercise with puppy by rushing to get him out the door to prevent "accidents" and that sure it the truth. I need to get working on my old physiotherapy exercises and work on my stamina again ... so that I can try to keep up with Jasper.

Older and Wiser?

I just got home from the dentist and my next appointments will be with an oral surgeon.

I have needed a lot of repairs done and it is just keeps getting worse.   I have never had really great teeth, but issues with my face have aggravated the situation. I have some amount of drop in the left side of my face and altered sensation.  I had a bit of speech therapy early on to physically get my tongue moving better and work on moving my lips properly.  I tended to choke sometimes when swallowing and I was always biting my cheek to the point of bleeding.  My bite is now off  too and that mixed with some facial spasms have resulted in several cracked teeth and it looks like I am about to need a couple of them pulled along with some other major repairs.

Today I questioned the dentist about a spot that had been hurting on the gum at the back of my "good"side.

It looks like I have cut a somewhat undersized wisdom tooth in the past two weeks!  I am in my mid 50's and just cut a tooth! My almost two year old grandson and I have a lot in common this month.

Yup, it's true... after all this I am apparently a whole lot older and a little bit wiser.

Graduating from Therapy

Last Friday I had my final meeting at Easy Street, that fantastic hospital rehabilitation group that was overseeing my recovery. My Social Worker and my Dietitian were the only two therapists I have seen over the past year and I haven't seen either of them for the past 5 months. I have had a couple of phone-calls and many emails keeping in touch with my wonderful Social Worker.  She has kept me in the Easy Street Rehabilitation program while we have been sorting out all the issues related to the vocational rehabilitation program and my efforts to adjust to what is the new normal for my life.

Friday afternoon I went in for a last appointment with her before I was officially discharging from their program.  She assured me that she still wants emails letting her know how my life is going.

I have spent a lot of the time in Occupational Therapy learning to set realistic goals and hopefully these skills are now part of my everyday life!

Two years ago I wrote out a list of what I thought I needed to do before being discharged. My three daughters were all in university at the time and all taking about what courses need to be completed and what last assignments needed to be accomplished before they would graduate. I felt a need to make a "grad" list too. I planned to buy myself a particular piece of jewelry from a hospital fundraiser when I finished rehab, just like university graduates buy a Grad ring.  

I may not have completed all my self-appointed assignments before I was discharged, but I have confidence that I will eventually compete most of my self appointed tasks in some fashion or another. They won't be the first "late" assignments in my life.  (grin)

Some of these items may sound a bit silly, but for me they are all meaningful.

•               Shop independently (done)

•               Cook independently (done)

•               Bake pretty cakes again (done)

•               Read for fun and have it feellike fun  (done)

•               Get my driver's license back (done)

•               Make a photo book of the hospital garden

•               Play a nice song on the guitar

•               Take part in some kind of sport or athletic challenge

•               Get the hang of Photoshop 

•               Finish an afghan I started just before I got really sick

•               Get a job

It is really kind of scary and exciting all at the same time to be officially out of the rehabilitation phase of recovery.  I know that this really is a new chapter for me.

 I still have a lot to work on ... but I am ready to be stepping out on my own.

Thanksgiving Weekend

Happy Thanksgiving!

Oak Tree Trunk with Virginia Creeper Vine at the Lake

 Today is Thanksgiving in Canada and I have a lot to be thankful for. I would not being doing nearly as well as I am without the help and guidance of so many people. I have had so many experts, friends and family all support my efforts at getting my life back.  My life has been enriched by the many people I have encountered during this journey and I am glad to name as friends many of the stroke survivors and people struggling with other conditions that I have met along the way. What would life  be like without the  many kindly volunteers and compassionate caregivers and health-care professionals that give their time and kindness and prayers so selflessly?
There are still sad, depressed days but I am blessed to say that most days include joy and gratitude.

I have been so busy! --- I get myself so exhausted "doing" that I have no energy left to "write" about it. That, for me, is actually a good thing because it means I am out there leading my life.

We experienced several family crisis over the summer including one daughter with serious head and leg injuries after an 8 foot fall and another daughter tripped on a curb and we are now awaiting surgery to fix her still injured dominant hand. My youngest daughter had a pin from a previous injury removed from her ankle because of constant pain. It has not been an easy summer but I have been proud of my ability to be of some help during all these stressful events.

I have been taken part in some different counseling sessions, worked with a life coach, gone to exercise groups and worked on the idea of getting employed again. I volunteered for two weeks with The Learning Disabilities Association of Manitoba and I worked hard to fix up a house that I rent out.  I went camping with Girl Guides this Fall and .. yes really.. I slept on the ground in my sleeping bag.

When you are in Physiotherapy or Occupational therapy they ask you what it is you want to be able to do, then they start on a few baby steps to try and take you in that direction. I have been slugging away at that list for a long time now, first with the therapists and then on my own, and I find my lists of wants for recovery keeps expanding. There are always higher mountains I want to climb!

Some of the items that I desperately wanted to do  are no longer of much interest to me once I achieve them. I originally was so sad about not shopping independently. Shopping is now doable for me but I find it is very stressful and tiring. The stores with all the people, and odd lighting and colors make me feel dizzy and ill. Driving home is harder than driving there and putting away groceries feels overwheming. Yes, I can now shop independently but it is no longer a pleasant experience for me. It is just exhausting so I try and farm the basic shopping off on the husband or my kids whenever possible now.

Driving on the other hard still seems like a miracle every time I get in the car. I tried for so long to get my license back and now I really treasure it and the freedom it brings.  I still have a few issues. It is not smart for me to drive after dark and I shouldn't try and drive anywhere when I am tired. I need to allow extra time and take a GPS device with me everywhere I go because I have a lot of issues with some kind of spatial memory. I have a few routes that are solid but if I get turned around by even a block  I am really lost. I am driving just fine along the street and with other traffic, but no idea how to get from point A to point B. Eventually I do get to where I want to be. The Trick, like so much in life, is to keep calm, reassess what your destination is and then just get moving again.

It is now time to go help my daughter get the turkey started.  Dinner tonight is for 10 people. We are taking it easy and making potatoes and stuffing from boxed kits because it doesn't have to be Grandmas Special Dressing anymore. That is not what matters. It is the people you share it with that count. It is recognizing the old memories and it is making brand new ones.

I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving and a joy filled week.

Lightning Strike

There was a huge elm tree on the boulevard in front of my 1940 something house. This tree was by far the largest of the row of trees on the street that were planted by the city even before the houses were built and we believe it was about 75 years old.  I have lived here in the shade of that tree since I was 16 years old.  I have spent almost 40 years with it shading my yard and house in the summer and with me raking it's leaves in the fall.  We have been banding the tree to protect it from Dutch Elm Disease for the past decade. My kids tried to climb it, took crayon rubbings on its bark and we watched the squirrels and birds that lived in it.

A few weeks ago we had a severe storm system move through the lower part of our province including the city. It was strange driving through it because there were strong winds but it felt like they were coming from all directions. We were safely in our house when heavy rains and winds and then lightning started. The lights were flickering and then there was an odd noise outside our house. We heard kind of a huge whoosh and sucking noise and we realized the tree outside falling. My daughter and I, perhaps rather stupidly, ran out side to see how bad things were.  One of the major sections of the tree had fallen to the side and was resting on roofs and the side of my neighbor's two-story house. Miraculously no one was hurt and there was no real damage to the house.

We walked over to the main trunk and were shocked to find that that it smelled like a campfire. I saw a blackened, charcoal area and I could see smoke rising off it and then as raindrops were hitting it they sizzled and steam was rising. You could feel heat spreading out from the tree.

Neighbors I hadn't talked to in years gathered around to chat. People were stopping their cars and getting out to take pictures. The storm lasted only 30 minutes but reports of damage came from all over the city including roof damage, power outages affecting 1000's and over 500 trees down.

The city forestry official came by the next day and talked to our next-door neighbors and said the tree broke in the wind because it was diseased.  The various neighbors discussed how I was wrong... it wasn't lighting and rather gently pointed out to me that I was wrong. I was very upset by this. I have been fighting so hard for so long to improve my cognitive skills and be seen as competent once again.

I have a very wise adviser, Deb, who questioned why the heck I even cared that a bunch of neighbors thought I was mistaken when I knew that I was not. Wow. Powerful. Why did I care? I think it reflects how much of a beating my self-esteem has suffered in the past few years. I can't always trust my memory, I come up with wrong words and I make a lot of random little mistakes. I have learned to doubt myself and second-guess everything I do. The problem is not if other people believe in me. The problem is  believing in myself.

 The city sent their crew out later in the week and it took them two half days to remove the tree. They filled up two huge trucks with the branches and trunk and it was to be disposed of in a way to prevent and chance of spreading Dutch Elm disease. It was kind of dramatic and exciting since I had never seen anything like that before. The crew was very professional and then it was all over. 

I had a very strong emotional response to this event.

I knew the tree was going to have to come down and that the damage was too severe to be worth trying to save the tree. The city put a big red sticker on it to declare it a hazard.  I know it sounds silly, but I was busy identifying with the tree. We both had a sudden catastrophic event that threatened our lives. We both were not in perfect shape when disaster happened, but that was not the cause of the serious consequences. It was just how things happened.  The decision was made that it was past its prime, it had the beginnings of a disease and there was one of its main limbs broken and no longer functioning. My heart broke with the removal of that tree. I was gratefully that I have had a chance to recover and I was so sad that we couldn't try and patch up the torn part of the tree with some tar or something.

We told the grandkids that the tree they were playing under the previous weekend was now gone. On their next visit our 6-year-old grandson and 3-year-old granddaughter got out of the car and ran over to the stump and stood on it. It became the little girl’s personal stage. She sang out in her clear little voice a joyful "tree song" that she made up.

The city will eventually plant a new small tree on the boulevard.  Perhaps my grandchildren will see it grow into a proud stately tree.